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Reel him in or cut him loose?

Thursday, July 20th, 2006

Dear Rico:

I’ve been seeing this guy on and off for the past three months. And let me be clear, the off part is mainly his doing. Whenever we get together, we have a really good time. But it can be several weeks until he returns my calls. We make plans, but then he cancels at the very last minute. He actually stood me up twice. He makes me so upset and frustrated sometimes. But when I actually do see him, I just can’t stay mad at him. All he has to do is look at me with those big beautiful brown eyes and I forget all of the mean things he done to me. How do I make this relationship work?

Too forgiving in Fergus Falls

Dear Forgiving:

O.K. so you’re seeing this charming man who goes weeks without giving you the time of day. Then he makes plans with you only to break them. He’s even had the unmitigated gull to stand you up twice? Sounds like Mr. Right to me! Do I hear wedding bells in your future?

Honey, you need to wake up and smell the java. This guy’s a born player. Bad road from mile marker one. And worse yet, if he’s stringing you along like this, he probably has several other babes on his line.

But my question for you isn’t how you could have met a scum-bag like that, because I know some men (and some women, for that matter) are pigs. My question is, why haven’t seen him for the low-life cheating loser he is yet? Why in the world would you still want to make things work?

You aren’t forgiving, Forgiving, you’re gullible, and allowing yourself to be made the victim. Big beautiful eyes or not, cut this guy’s line before he strings you along any further. BTW, one way not to be seduced by the power of his peepers is to never see him again. Just stop returning his calls. I assure you, he’ll quickly lose interest and move on to his next victim.

Love and licks,
Rico

Posted in Dating | 2 Comments »

Is the caller there?
Thursday, July 20th, 2006
Dear Rico:

I had this really great date with a really cool guy. He was nice, warm and friendly. But its been two days and he hasn’t called me back. How do I get him to call me?

Call me in Costa Rica

Dear Call: Hmmm, let me check my witchcraft book… no, there’s no secret spell there…. How ‘bout in Voodoo for Dummies? Nope, no magic trick there, either.

Dear Call:Hmmm, let me check my witchcraft book… no, there’s no secret spell there…. How ‘bout in Dummies? Nope, no magic trick there, either.Oh wait, here’s an idea, rather than put the effort into finding an subtle behind the scenes ploy to make him call you, why don’t you, why don’t you stop waiting by the phone and instead pick it up, dial those seven digits and call him?

Dear Call:Hmmm, let me check my witchcraft book… no, there’s no secret spell there…. How ‘bout in Dummies? Nope, no magic trick there, either.Oh wait, here’s an idea, rather than put the effort into finding an subtle behind the scenes ploy to make him , why don’t you, why don’t you stop waiting by the phone and instead pick it up, dial those seven digits and ?I just don’t get it, why are some people so passive in dating? People like you, Call, put so much passive aggressive energy in trying to make the other party do the work. Instead, you could spend ½ the energy by being responsible for your own darn self by taking the initiative and calling him.

Just think about it Call, in the time it took you to write your worried little letter (not to mention the time you spent waiting for my extremely helpful response) you could have called him and gone on your second great date with your really cool guy. (Or, he may have told you that he wasn’t really into you, and would have shot your request for a second date down….) The point is, either way you would have known by now.

Luv and Licks,
Rico

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Baby come back?
Thursday, July 20th, 2006
Dear Rico:

My girlfriend recently broke up with me. She told me she just didn’t see spending the rest of her life with me. I asked her if she loved me. She said she didn’t know. I told her I loved her and that I wanted to marry her. She didn’t say anything.

Everyone I talk to tells me how shocked they were when they heard we broke up how cute we were together. Her mom said I was a wonderful boyfriend. Her friends say I they were always jealous of us together.

I sent her a card for Valentine’s Day and she only sent a one-word IM that said “thanks.” For Easter I sent her a chocolate bunny, but never heard anything. On Memorial Day, I left her a left her a message inviting her to attend out family barbque. She didn’t show up.

How do I get her back?

Hurting in Houston

Dear Hurting:

Poor, poor diluted Hurting. How much clearer does your ex need to be? Would renting a billboard that says “It’s over, move on with your life” make things any clearer for you? She broke things off at least five months ago. If she ever was going to come running back to your open arms, she would have done so already

By the way, it doesn’t matter how much her mom or anyone else liked you. It only mattered how much she liked you, and she already broke things off.

Stop holding the candle for her. You’re only burning yourself.

Love and licks,
Rico

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Is man stuck in a child-free relationship?
Thursday, July 20th, 2006
Dear Rico:

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. When we were first dating, we talked about having kids. She didn’t want any and I did. We still decided to get married, I guess I thought one day her maternal instincts would kick-in, and she would change her mind. But she hasn’t. Now the clock is ticking, and I really miss not having the any little ones. What should I do?

Childless in Rancho Cucamonga

Dear Childless:

Hmmm, you thought your wife would “change her mind” about kids, or you thought you’d badger her into changing her mind? Maybe you thought you could persuade her? Or that one happy day she would “forget” to take her pills?

I mean, when you were talking about planning your lives together, what possibly could have made you think she would change her mind about one of the most fundamental aspects of a marriage?

Your wife is to be congratulated for knowing what she wanted out of life and sticking by it. You on the other hand…

Well, I guess I’m 15 years to late to prevent the problem.

So what do you do now? You have to ask yourself if you love your wife more than you miss having children. If the answer to that question is yes, then live the rest of your days with your betrothed and drop the kid issue.

If think you’ll miss not having kids more, you should part ways with your wife so you can pursue other options. (Making sure you are honest with any women you meet.) But whatever you decide, you should make your decision quickly. As you say, the clock is ticking.

Love and licks,
Rico

Posted in Dating | 1 Comment »

Should boyfriend have an open-door policy?
Thursday, July 20th, 2006
Dear Rico:

I really like my new boyfriend. He is attentive and a good listener. More importantly, he treats me with respect, like an equal. There’s just one problem. Whenever we go out in public he will never open the door for me, or close my car door. I know it is just a small gesture, but my ex-boyfriend did it for me, it really made me feel like a princess. How do I give my new boyfriend the hint?

Open my door in Sarasota

Dear Open:

Or should I say “Your highnesses? So let me get this straight, you like your boyfriend because he treats you “like an equal,” but then you want him to scurry around for you to open and shut doors so you can feel like a princess? In your letter you failed to mention if your main squeeze is heir inherent to the throne, but I’m assuming he’s no prince. So what you are basically saying is that you want to be treated like an equal, so long as you are “more equal.” Open your own door, shut your trap and get over it.

Luv and licks,
Rico

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Is clerk short-changing his future?
Monday, May 8th, 2006
Dear Rico:

My boyfriend of the last six months is a very nice, sensitive man who treats me with great respect. The problem is he works as cashier at the local mall and doesn’t seem to have any dreams for the future. (We’re both in our mid-30’s) Though he is somehow able to just barely pay the bills, and seems happy with his life, I keep telling he should think of going to college so he can better job and have a more stable future. Every time I mention this to him, we end up in a huge argument. I’ve told him several times its good he’s happy now, but what about the future? He just won’t listen to me. What should I do?

Frustrated in Santa Fee

Dear Frustrated:

Hmm, what should you do? I don’t know, have you tried respecting his opinion and dropping the subject? You’ve written words like “every time,” “we keep,” and “several times” which leads me to believe you repeatedly bring up the subject. He says he’s happy, what business is it of yours? Not every person in this world lives in an ivory tower and goes on to have a high-powered job, and more importantly, not everyone wants to. Rather than “making him listen,” maybe it is time you shut up and did the listening. He says he’s happy, so leave it at that. If you don’t think his future is “stable” enough for you, that’s your problem, not his. Let him live his life as he wants to. If you can’t, move on and find somebody who will meet your criteria.

Love,
Rico

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The ‘Perfect’ Mate?
Monday, May 8th, 2006
Dear Rico:

My boyfriend is prefect in every way. “Ben” is attractive, well-mannered and treats me like a queen. But the problem is he’s unemployed and still lives with his parents. (He’s 29 and I’m 33.) I’d understand if he were still in college, or if he was looking for work or something, but he just has no ambition. We’ve been dating for four months now, and I really like him. I don’t mind paying for our dates occasionally, but it is getting tiresome. What should I do?

Female Breadwinner in Detroit

Dear Breadwinner:

Dump him! By the way, what’s up with people saying their mate is perfect in every way, and then mentioning their partner’s deal-breaking character flaw? First of all, no one is ever prefect. Stop looking for perfection in your mate, you’ll only be disappointed. If you think someone is “perfect,” you aren’t being realistic, or you are blind. In your case Breadwinner, you must be blind. Your “prefect” boyfriend is a jobless, lazy leech who doesn’t mind mooching of off you or his family. Of course he treats you well, you’re buying him dinner, taking him to movies and enabling his deadbeat lifestyle. You deserve better. Run far and run fast! And after you’ve had a chance to catch your breath, maybe you should ask yourself why you were so content to date this loser.

Love,
Rico

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Host a Classy, Casual Picnic
Monday, April 17th, 2006
Picnics are great, casually intimate dates. Find the right spot, pack the right ingredients, create the right ambiance & (even if your date is a dud) you can proudly pull off a GREAT date. Sure, outdoor picnics might not be cool for everyone, but I personally love the opportunity to spend more time outdoors, relax and enjoy a good conversation or just lazy lounging.

Here are a few suggested picnic items:

Heavy, soft blanket to sit on (thick enough so the wet grass doesn’t leak through)
Sturdy plastic cups & plates (disposable OK, but I prefer to reuse, reduce & recycle)
Deck of cards
Wet wipes (good for washing your hands after hiking in to your favorite picnic spot)
Cloth napkins
Extra plastic bag/Large Ziploc for trash
Utensils

Suggested Food Items:

Chilled white wine (Pinot Grigio, Sauvignon Blanc), sparkling water, or champagne
Fruit (whole peaches, tupperware of grapes, or my favorites - berries and figs)
Assortment of cheeses (try aged gouda, camembert, brie or knots of mozzarella)
Pre-sliced baguette (you can pre-toast and coat with olive oil)
Tomato bruschetta - see recipe below
Sliced deli meat (salami, turkey, smoked ham)
Marinated olives
Pre-made Italian pasta salad
Hummus
Marinated heirloom tomatoes (soaked in extra virgin olive oil, finely sliced basil, and a dash of fresh pepper & sea salt)
Grilled eggplant & portobella mushroom sandwiches with sliced mozarella, basil, cucumbers & tomatoes (if you’re not vegetarian - throw in a few slices of bacon!)

For an ethnic flare:

Cooked sushi (NOT raw!) - try teriyaki salmon on top of a ball of rice, wrapped in seasoned seaweed
Rice balls rolled in furikake or wrapped in seasoned seaweed
Gyoza w/ dipping sauce (equal parts soy sauce & rice vinegar with a touch of sesame oil, lemon juice and chilli oil)
Chilled Thai noodle salad (vermicelli noodles, sauteed bell peppers, basil, green onions, & chicken - tossed in a peanut butter sauce - you can buy the sauce at the supermarket)

Easy Bruschetta Recipe

2-3 cloves of garlic
5-6 tomatoes
small bunch of basil
extra virgin olive oil
salt & pepper

Finely chop & gently warm cloves of garlic over low heat with extra virgin olive oil, do not burn or toast. Slice & remove seeds from tomatoes, chop into small pieces. Roll basil leaves from stem to tip, and finely slice to create long, thin slivers. Mix all ingredients together and drizzle with olive oil. Season with fresh ground pepper and salt.

Tip: throw the sliced basil in the mixture with olive oil as soon as possible - if left out on the counter too long, it’ll brown. Also, experiment with different spices and herbs - but keeping things simple allows you to enjoy the flavors of each of the few ingredients.

By Mie Nakayama

Posted in Dating, Dining | 1 Comment »

Taking it to the Next Level
Monday, April 17th, 2006
Dear Rico

I have been hanging out with Julie for several weeks now. She was a friend of a friend I met on myspace. She was dating some older married guy before I met her, and when they broke up two weeks ago, I thought I was set. But she still seems hung up on him. I mean, she is totally into me, I can tell, but nothing is happening. I know she likes me because we talk on the phone all the time, and she says she loves me and that she can’t be without me. How can I take it to the next level?

Fred

Dear Fred

I can’t say that I am sympathetic, since I have never been in your situation. However, I know of others who have been in your shoes, and I am sad to say that you are totally screwed. I will be as clear as possible: Cut your losses and don’t ever speak to her again. If she had any interest in you, something would have happened by now. Also, women who end up in crazy situations like dating older married men generally have issues. Unless you like crazy women (and I am guessing that you do) that is a huge red flag. It sounds as if she is using you as an emotional crutch. You don’t want to be the shoulder to cry on. You want to be the one that makes her cry.

Love, Rico

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Functional Arguing Tactics
Monday, April 17th, 2006

Are you in a relationship? Do you argue with your partner? If you answered yes to the first question, then the second response must also be an affirmative.

All couples have quarrels. Some more visibly than others. Unchecked bickering can poison a relationship, but squabbles are necessary for any relationship to succeed.

Couples need to argue, but it’s how they argue that’s important. Dysfunctional exchanges can lead to emotional rants, and eventually corrosive comments can lead to condescension, disdain, or even worse—sour silence.

So what’s a healthy way to argue? Below you’ll find two functional arguing tactics for healthy relationships. These are strategies for effective, functional bickering. They are not proposed to be problem fixers by themselves, but they do help couples better articulate their differences.

Functional Arguing Tactic #1:

Whisper. Sounds stupid right? It really works. When an argument gets too heated, employ this tactic, and you will see immediate results.

The problem with most differences of opinion is that each side feels as if the other side does not fully understand their point of view. When couples argue, often times it becomes difficult for either person to get a word in. Each person is so intent on conveying their opinion, that they wait to speak more than they begin to listen.

When thoughts, emotions, baggage, drama, etc. flies unconstrained between two people, tempers will continue to flare. If these same points of contention can be funneled into a whisper, not only does the argument immediately become less severe, it also reaches a higher state of articulation. Suddenly, grievances can be more easily expressed. Functional exchange can resume, and more importantly, each arguer is forced to be a better listener.

Functional Arguing Tactic #2:

Imitate your partner while he or she is imitating you. This might also seem pretty silly, but the sillier it gets, the sooner your done arguing. It’s amazing what happens when people are presented with an image of themselves. How many of us, when we notice that we’re walking past a mirror or a window, stop and check ourselves out? We all do that. We are all seriously curious about how we appear to other people. We may not care what they think about us, but we’re still interested in how we are perceived.

So in a moment of tempered emotional exchange, when you are suddenly presented with an comical-caricature interpretation of yourself by someone other than you, you take notice. Your mind drifts into self-examination, while your heart searches for the most ridiculous way to caricature the person who’s impersonating you.

You go at this for a few rounds, and you’re sure to chuckle sooner or later. Think about it. A significant other knows more about you than anybody else. With an arsenal of embarrassing material at each partner’s disposal, couples can go from anger to laughter in about 3-5 rounds of personal imitation.

There you have it. Two arguing methods that are sure to convert bickering situations into healthy exchanges. For either of them to work, the ultimate goal of each arguer must be de-escalation. Then, it’s just a matter of choosing between funnel talk or making fun of each other through ruthlessly personal impersonations. When in doubt, the two tactics can also be employed together.

by Christopher Stout

Posted in Dating | 1 Comment »

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